“Toxic” Family Members…Do I Need to Call them Back?

Reflections on Maintaining Familial Ties [Silat Al-Rahm]

1. Details about the Situation

Ali is a 22-year-old university student grinding through classes and juggling a part-time job in Chicago. His days are packed, his energy low, and his social battery often drained. One night, he looks down at his phone: three missed calls from his uncle — someone he hasn’t spoken to in months.

The truth? They’re not close. Their last conversation ended in tension, and honestly, Ali finds his uncle difficult, sometimes even hurtful. He stares at the screen and thinks, Do I really need this right now?

He tells himself he’s too busy, that a call would turn into an awkward, dragged-out conversation. Maybe it’s better to let it go. Maybe his uncle won’t even notice.

But something won’t let the thought go. A quiet question starts to press on his conscience:
“If I ignore this… am I breaking ties Allah told me to keep?”
“Is my silence more than just avoidance? Could it be a sin?”

2. Background

Maintaining silat al-rahm, the bonds of kinship, is one of the most vital obligations in Islam, deeply rooted in both our material and spiritual well-being. It is not merely a cultural tradition or an occasional gesture, but a powerful form of worship with wide-reaching effects in both this life and the Hereafter. God said, “And those who join that which God has ordered to be joined and fear their Lord… for them is the best abode” (Quran, 13:21).

The Quran warns us of the opposite, breaking familial ties, [qat‘ al-rahm], which is considered a grave sin, “Then, is it to be expected of you, if you turn away, that you will spread corruption on earth and sever your ties of kinship?” (Quran, 47:22)

At its most visible level, silat al-rahm is about physical connection—helping relatives in need, offering financial support to the poor among them, visiting them, and being present in their lives. This tangible support reinforces family ties and uplifts those who may be vulnerable, fulfilling a collective responsibility toward social justice within the family unit.

Yet the teachings of our religious tradition go further. Even when material help is not possible, the connection must be maintained spiritually and emotionally. This shows that even the smallest act of kindness, like offering Salam, a text message, a call, or even a smile—can be an act of silat al-rahm, if it stems from sincerity and love.

Our Imams (pbut) deeply emphasized the immense spiritual, ethical, and material benefits that come from maintaining family ties. Imam Muhammad al-Baqir (p) said, “Silat al-Rahm purifies deeds, increases wealth, repels afflictions, eases the reckoning (on the Day of Judgment), and prolongs life” (Bihar al-Anwar, vol. 71, page 111).

Imam Jafar al-Sadiq (p) similarly stated, “Silaturrahim improves character, softens the hand (i.e., increases generosity), purifies the soul, increases sustenance, and extends life”
(al-Kāfī, vol. 2, Page 151).

Maintaining family ties leads to healthier relationships, emotional support systems, and community strength—all of which contribute to a longer and more fulfilling life. In fact, Imam al-Sadiq (p) even gave a vivid example:

“We know of nothing that prolongs life more than silat al-rahm. A man may be destined to live three years, but if he maintains kinship ties, Allah increases his lifespan by thirty years, making it thirty-three. Conversely, one who is destined to live thirty-three years may sever family ties and thus have his life shortened to three.”
(al-Kāfī Volume 2, Pages 152–153)

In conclusion, silat al-arhaam is more than a family duty—it is a path to divine blessing, social harmony, and personal growth. Whether through financial assistance or a heartfelt Salam, every effort counts. To maintain these sacred ties is to invest in a better self, a stronger family, and a more compassionate world.

3. Ruling

Silat al-rahm is wajib (obligatory); a person must maintain some form of connection with their close blood relatives. 

The minimum form of silat al-rahm can be fulfilled by an occasional call, check-in, visit, act of kindness, or by keeping the door open for interaction or reconciliation if necessary. 

It is not required to have frequent or deep conversations, especially when certain circumstances, like distance, discomfort, or past tension, make that difficult.

However, this does not mean that one should tolerate harm, abuse, or injustice. A person has the right to limit or redefine the relationship if it causes significant psychological or spiritual damage. 

Complete severance is only allowed if continued contact would result in serious harm or corruption of one’s faith, mental health, or family stability.

By ignoring or refusing contact altogether without a valid reason, you can risk committing qat‘ al-rahm, which is sinful.

4. Action

After sitting with it for a while, Ali comes to a realization: his relationships don’t need to be perfect — just sincere. Islam doesn’t ask for constant closeness, but it does demand effort. A single call, a simple check-in, even a short message can carry the weight of a powerful divine duty.

So he picks up the phone. Not because it’s easy — but because it’s right. The conversation is brief, maybe a little awkward, but nonetheless, respectful.

 His uncle, caught off guard, softens. He didn’t expect the call — and maybe, neither did Ali.
But something shifts.

Ali listens with patience. He ends the call kindly. He makes a quiet promise to himself: to keep the door open, to check in every now and then — not because they’ve fixed everything, but because he’s choosing faith over ego.

And with that one small action, Ali feels something lift and uncover a sense of peace that comes not from the outcome, but from obeying the One who asked him to try.